Discovering Your Authentic Style: Embracing Modesty in Confidence
On my journey of self-discovery, I realized that you can’t find your personal style if you don’t know who you are. If you’re not sure of who you are, everything you wear will never look like ‘you’. You’ll find yourself looking just like everyone else, with no individuality.
Growing up I spent a lot of time at church. When you go to church you are supposed to dress up, have your hair done, nails clean and always look nice and polished. Outside of church, I was always taught to look presentable and “look like I cared about myself”, so that consists of things like no bonnets in public, always putting on lotion etc. These were the parameters that I found my own style within.
My parents always encouraged us to develop our own individual relationship with God and to keep individuality at the forefront, for us, the worst thing you could do is try to be like everyone else. I had to first define myself on my own terms in order to find my own style. I realized that my style isn’t one size fits all (here comes that duality I mentioned in ‘Boxes”) and that you have to measure yourself based on your own standards. Don’t be covered up because grandma said it wasn’t right or don’t show more skin because your homegirl told you it’ll get that boy you’ve been looking at. Figure out who you are & your why and present yourself accordingly. I hold myself to a high standard and a part of that for me is being mindful of what I display. When you define yourself on your own terms it is so much easier to decide what is okay to wear & what’s not. It’s so much easier to feel confident in what you wear when you aren’t weighed down by the expectations of others. I am a believer, so a major part of my identity is serving God and serving others. Obviously in church you are taught to be modest, but outside of church; modesty became more important to me because it allowed me to represent myself in a way that encourages respect, a way that reflected who I am internally and in a way that God would be pleased.
Presentation is everything. Humans are naturally created to be physical. How you look is the first message you convey to people before you even open your mouth. Everything you wear sends a message. It was important for me to convey a message that is reflective of who I am.
When it comes to style, I feel like one of the major components is timing. Knowing when to wear what is a major key to elevating your personal style. When I go to church I don’t wear the same thing I would wear on campus because the environment is different, I consider each space I enter and dress according to what’s appropriate for that environment. If my goal was to convince people to support my (imaginary) veneer business, I shouldn’t have a broken smile. It’s the same thing with your clothes and overall presentation. You should present yourself as well-kept if that is the type of life you want to live. Knowing how to dress for each environment can send the message that you are socially aware, that you have critical thinking skills and understand that everything’s not necessarily for everyone.
When you show more skin it typically invites more lustful energy to you, when you show less skin it typically sends a message of self-respect, in turn demanding outward respect. It’s important to be aware of the messages we may send with what we wear, no matter how biased. I am a firm believer in wearing whatever you want, whenever we want to, but we have to be honest about the implications it has. In professional settings and places where your intention is to encounter God you should be careful that you keep the main thing, the main thing. If your goal is to get a new job, do you want people to remember you by how great your chest looks or by how well you were able to articulate yourself. When you're at church do you want the focus to be God or how great your body looks in that dress. I’m not here to get into “well, why do we have to dress for the male gaze” or “what I wear doesn't make me a ‘hoe’. I’m all for progressive thinking, but we have to acknowledge the society we actively live in and make decisions based on that. Now of course, we can’t control how we’re objectified, but you can control your intention and that has more power than you think.
As a woman, you have to know your power. We have the power to shift atmospheres based just on what we have on (beyond just the external) and in knowing this you can use your power more strategically.
It’s also important to be honest with yourself about what stage of life you are at. Your style shouldn’t be the same at 21 and 30. Dress for where you want to go and who you see yourself as. If you want to be a boss, dress like a boss, if you want to be an idiot, dress like an idiot. Dress in whatever way you see yourself embodying the person you want to be, & that doesn’t mean basic.
Growing up, it seemed like modesty meant ugly. Modesty meant uncomfortable stockings, blouses that only a grandma would wear and ill-fitting dresses. However, as I matured, incorporating modesty in my outfits was a way for me to learn self-expression without nudity. I was able to be creative in the ways that I felt beautiful. I was able to learn how to play into the shapes, the textures and the silhouette of the clothes that I wanted to wear.I am aware that I am shapely, so what someone with a little less body wears may not look right on me. Or vice versa, a smaller girl may not be able to fill out a dress like me. There's nothing wrong with this, it is a part of life, the problem comes when we act like this doesn’t exist.
Another component of developing your own style is finding clothes that you will want to wear again and that you can mix & match. It’s important for me to have basics that I know will look good with everything, but can also give me a different vibe depending on where I’m going. For example, I have a silk dress that if I want to look classy, I will wear as is, but sometimes I tie it up and wear it as a shirt for a different look or I’ll put a graphic tee on top of my dress and wear it that way.
Lastly, but most importantly, the most impactful and prominent thing you get to wear is your spirit. No matter what you wear, if your energy isn’t right, it won’t translate through the clothes. Confidence is everything. Wear the clothes like they were made just for you, style them like you’re the only one who will ever wear it. Think about how many times you see someone in an outfit you may not necessarily like, but because of their swag and spirit they still look fly. You wear the clothes, but you don’t let them wear you. Whatever energy you are carrying will shine through the outfit, so make sure the energy that you're putting out is the energy you want to receive back.
Thanks for reading, come back on Tuesday where we’re getting into shapewear! Leave a comment below or submit something anonymously to “Full Disclosure”. Catch up on my recent response to my 2nd Full Disclosure submission about friends.
