Boxes

Once people get to know me they always say, “Tyler you’re not who I expected you to be, I thought you were — (insert words like super holy, uppity, stuck-up, boujee etc). Initially it would make my heart smile because it made me feel as though people were beginning to understand me for who I really am. It’s not that any of these characteristics are inherently bad, but they were always framed with a negative connotation. As I matured, I began to question what it was that gave people a perception of me that is 1) misconstrued & incomplete and 2) not how I intended to present myself. 

I began to do a check-list of everything that made me, me. I grew up in Chesapeake, Virginia in a predominantly white area, until attending Morgan State, I was always one of the few black people in my classes.

My dad became a pastor right around my first birthday, so church is, and always has been, a substantial part of my life. There is no me without it.

I am pretty quiet when you first meet me, I prefer to observe before deciding to share my thoughts and opinions and I am comfortable with silence. I don’t just talk to fill the space if I really have nothing to say.

I am comfortable being alone. It’s always been about quality over quantity for me, I am not interested in having a lot of friends without a purpose just for the sake of knowing a lot of people. I value real relationships in all aspects.

I am well spoken, my quality of education was paramount to my parents, so due to this enunciation was implemented and taught early. I was always taught that how I present myself to the world matters, so it is important for me to present myself a certain way, a way that makes me feel good. I also just really like keeping myself up and have since I can remember, so I never felt the effort I put into myself was really different from anyone else getting ready for their day-to-day.

On top of this, my parents have raised me to be a leader and be sure of myself & the God in me, so you can’t really get me to do anything I don’t want to or feel called to do and I am okay being the odd one out if it’s not something I’m comfortable with. 

By the time I finished the check-list, I quickly realized that trying to figure out why people view you the way they do is quite frankly; exhausting. Soon after processing that thought I came to the realization that people often view you in a lens that lacks duality, oftentimes shaped from their own trauma and experiences. Furthermore, people will try to put you in a box to feel as though they understand you or to make themselves feel comfortable with the insecurities they possess, that you may trigger. 

This is a part of the human experience and I am not mad at our natural instincts to define others, but I can’t be put into a box and the danger of categorizing & over familiarizing yourself with people is that you don’t give them a chance to show you who they are. I realized that no matter what I did, people were going to take the things that I do or say and fit them into the boxes they chose for me and anything that didn’t fit in the box would be forgotten. As soon as people find out that I am a PK (Pastor’s Kid), they start being different around me or looking at me differently or I’m met with seemingly harmless jokes.

“Oh you know PK’s be the worst ones” or “Oh, No wonder you act that way”.

But their truth is often hidden in the jokes and you quickly begin to feel alienated when you’re under a microscope in that way. Beyond this, I was held to a standard that I never set. It’s even worse when people begin to attack and judge your character based on those standards they created… that they don’t even hold themselves to… that God also never set. God has made it clear to me that He sees who I am and loves me unconditionally beyond my faults, so it is mentally taxing and borderline oppressive to be held to mistakes that he has forgiven or judgment that he already washed away.

This can rapidly become isolating, if you’re not careful, because sometimes you just want to “be” without feeling like you have to be “on” all the time or maintain this idea of you, especially when you are a reflection of your parents who are people who lead others to God. It’s important to not internalize that judgement when you’re in situations like this because it just leads to you dimming your light and being scared of who God may have called you to be. People have so many insecurities that shape how they interact with others. Hurt people, hurt people and a lot of times they are just judging you based on how they were judged or heard others being judged.

There is duality in everything and that doesn’t just disappear because you encompass one thing. Allow people the chance to show you who they are before concrete judgment. I love God, I am intentional about my relationship with Him, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to have fun. My fun doesn’t negate the God in me either. I am quiet and I don’t naturally seem approachable, but I also am very sweet, love to laugh and I play all day. I am a PK, but that doesn’t mean my relationship with God is “better” than yours because I grew up in church. I have standards and certain code that I follow, but it's not because I am a ‘Pastor’s Kid’ or trying to maintain an image. I was raised on integrity and self-respect and that’s what I lead with and would lead with regardless of my parent’s occupations.

It’s so easy, especially in today’s society, to feel like you need to change how you present yourself to be more digestible to others and ‘accepted' (PK or not), but it’s truly not necessary. Guard your heart, be intentional about what you reveal about yourself and don’t allow the perceptions of others to make you feel like you have to do more or show more of yourself in order for people to “get” you. The ones who are meant to know you, and all your depth, will.

TH