Girl, I Think You’re Looking For a Father.

Girlllll, I love you! But, I think somewhere in the last decade we lost the plot. Before we get into it, I want to preface this by saying that this is all meant in love. I want us to be better and make more informed decisions on the guys we date and why we date them. Most importantly, I need us to be honest with ourselves about certain expectations that we have for men, especially as teenagers and women in our early 20’s.

I would like to note that I grew up in a 2-parent household with a hands-on mom and very active father, who are still married to this day. I know covenant and I have an amazing example of what true life partnership looks like. Lastly, I am not a 50-50 girly, I hope no men clicked on this and thought they had one lol. Unfortunately, no pick-me syndrome over here. 

Now, let’s chat. I was scrolling through X one day and saw this post where this young lady, who I believe is in high school, asked what she was doing wrong because no guy ever paid for her hair or lashes. I really didn’t think too much into it because we see conversations all day about what women wish men would do for them. However, once I pressed the comments I noticed that she was prompted by a guy to ask her dad to which she replied that she didn’t have one. This example is very minute, but shows some of the damage absent fathers are doing to our community. Trolling or not, this raises a very serious point about the correlation between absent fathers and expectations of men in relationships.

Young ladies are expecting the provision they were supposed to get from their fathers in young men. This is coupled with the fact that social media paints the picture that all guys are “tricking”. I can’t speak on this from the perspective of someone with an absent father, but I can speak from a space of being properly provided for by my father. 

Young ladies are not being taught fair expectations for their partners and are not seeing examples in their homes either. Home is the first place you are supposed to learn these things, not social media or through experience. Young ladies are expecting their boyfriends to pay bills and provide for them among other things. This is partially due to the fact that the lines between marriage and dating are so blurred in today’s society, due to both genders, but that is a topic for another day. Focusing on just this topic, girls are subconsciously looking for what they missed out on in the guys they choose to deal with. 

My dad has spoiled my sister and I from birth. He would give us almost anything we want (within reason), but he was also very dependable and accountable. If there was ever a time where I was in trouble I knew that I could call my dad and he would be right there. My dad took us on dates, he held doors, he put in effort, he did everything to show us what behavior to accept from men. My dad takes care of my mom, we have watched him provide for her, protect her and truly be intentional about his relationship with her and how he speaks to her. He showed us what it looks like to be a HUSBAND. Subconsciously, all his behavior was ingrained into me. Every male I interacted with was compared to him and everything I ever wanted in a guy is modeled after him. My dad taught me, realistically, what to look for in a guy. He gave us everything, so we never looked for that in other guys because we got it in him. He affirmed us and told us how proud of us he was, so when I heard it from guys, it didn’t make me want to drop my draws. He also told us how dumb boys are and how silly he was at the age that I am now, so I was aware. He taught me to be somebody and not wait around for a boy to make me feel like someone. He taught me to strive for success, to keep learning and that anything I want, I can get it myself. He taught me that guys my age truthfully aren’t ready for certain things, whether that’s thinking outside of their urges, being a provider or being ready for real commitment. All of this taught me to not look for someone for what they could do for me, but look for someone I can genuinely see myself building a life with. 

Dads are supposed to show up for you in ways that no one can. Dads are supposed to spoil you. Dads are supposed to provide for you and protect you. So are husbands, in my opinion, but not boyfriends or friends with benefits. 

It isn’t fair to expect provision from someone who can’t provide for themselves. It isn’t fair to expect provision from someone who is not your husband. It is not anyone’s job, but your own to be able to sustain yourself. Of course, I think it’s nice for your boyfriend to pay for your nails and hair, however that is not even provision. You shouldn’t expect someone to do this for you, instead do it for yourself and your goal should be to meet someone who WANTS to help match the effort you already put into yourself. How can you expect someone to want to keep your nails done and you don’t even keep your nails done? Once you do things for yourself you take the “blinders” off and are no longer flattered by guys just buying you stuff. Then you are able to see someone for who they are and you're not willing to accept certain behavior just because of what they can do for you. 

Requiring boyfriends to pay your rent, and things of that nature, leads to your relationship being purely transactional and not authentic. This is why we start to see some men require sex in exchange for money because they have to feel like they’re getting something out of this too. This has led to society making it acceptable to essentially use each other for all we can get and then dispose of said person once they have milked and drained them of all they had. These requirements also lead to an unhealthy balance in relationships, by adding more stressors to the dynamic. Dating should be fun and it’s harder to enjoy when you have to be everything for that person, so early on. Trying to date someone for what they can do for you causes you to miss out on great people, because no one wants to feel used. The same way women always say, “he just wants me for sex” is the same way men say, “she just wants me for money”. (We’re not going to get into the men who say this… with no money to give in the first place. In honor of Men’s Mental Health Month, I’m saving my male slander for July lol).

Some young ladies place what men can do for them over other, more credible, forms of verifying who is right for you. There is nothing wrong with making a boyfriend pay your bills if that’s what you want to do, but I don’t see these types of ideologies being sustainable. In no way, shape, or form am I saying don't have certain standards, but I think different ones would be more beneficial if you’re looking for someone to build a life with. Looking for someone with drive, with goals, and a go-getter spirit is more important than what they may possess in the physical, especially at this age. Have high standards and expectations, they just shouldn’t be monetary as that is not a good judge of character. What's good for a man to have money, if he’s not willing to spend it on you. 

In your 20’s, for the most part, you are just figuring out who you are and what you want for your own life. Pour into you, make sure you are becoming the best version of yourself and in due time the person meant for you, who can match all that you are, will meet you. But you have to be what you want to receive. 

For my girls without a dad, whether he is absent, has passed away, or is there, but not “there”, I see you. Whatever you are missing from your dad, God can provide it for you. Some voids are only for God to fill and no man will ever be able to, but God is so kind, He would send a son who we can model what we want after. Father in your life or not, you should be looking for someone who wants to be more like Jesus, anyways. How did Jesus treat His neighbors? How did He love? What was He willing to do for the people He loves? How did He show up? This is what really matters. 

Thank you for reading! If you want to further this discussion feel free to email me at readbetweenthehines@gmail.com. Or if you want advice, have a confession or something to share with the audience or just want to protect your identity, head to “Full Disclosure” and submit something anonymously.