Confidence in Connection: My Struggles with Introversion and Navigating Relationships

Hey, yall! It’s currently 3:39AM. I keep waking up in the middle of the night with so many ideas on things I want to talk about for my blog, but I always just jot it down in my ‘Notes’ app and go back to bed. However, tonight (or this morning?) I felt compelled to get up and write. I want to talk about some of my struggles and pressures of being an introvert and navigating friendships as somebody who believes they’re somebody. 

My experience with introversion started young. Ever since I can remember I’ve been an introvert, constantly consumed with my own daydreams, inner monologue and quiet time. It occurred naturally for me, but around 5th grade, I noticed a shift. 5th grade was the year I recognized I had a voice. It was a year of awareness for me. I began to notice the life around me that I wanted to participate in; the instruments I wanted to play, the people I wanted to be friends with, the clothes I wanted to wear, the activities I wanted to participate in. For the first time, I was able to see the world in a way that felt tangible, and I was ready to put my hands in everything within my reach. 

5th grade was also the first time I felt the wind knock out from beneath my sails. 5th grade was the first time I remember the harrowing, gutting feeling of rejection. You see, growing up in a predominantly white area, little me didn’t understand what made me different. I didn’t understand microaggressions or bias. I didn’t understand that others' behavior towards me was not personal and had everything to do with them. I didn’t understand that people’s inability to see who I was, was not a slight to me, but just a sign I was in the wrong room. I didn’t understand that I should go where I am valued. I didn’t understand that my type of heart was rare.

What little me did understand, however, was that my peers didn’t embrace me the same way they did others. I understood that my excitement to make friends was met with apprehension and inequitable barriers. I understood that aspects of my being were ridiculed, while other people’s were celebrated.  Little me knew that they did not like me, at least not the way they liked everyone else. And that hurt my feelings, bad.

So, I closed up. Internally, I put up a wall and that ball of tenacity that was once inside of me began to embrace feelings like anxiety and fear more frequently. What began as my natural instinct to be introverted morphed into a means of protection. Introversion took on a whole new meaning for me; it became a way to shield myself from emotional turmoil, it became my defense against the world. 

I began to develop an unhealthy perspective of rejection. Instead of embracing it as a part of life and an opportunity for redirection and growth, I saw it as a personal attack on my character, and I suffered because of it. 

Throughout the years after 5th grade, I carried all these feelings with me. It influenced what friends I made; I was afraid of putting myself out there and I didn’t really make friends unless they came up to me or were in close proximity. It influenced what activities I did; I didn’t want to do things that required me to be in front of others for fear of being embarrassed or rejected by my peers. Subconsciously, those feelings influenced every single thing I did. Introversion was no longer just me being to myself, no, it was total fear and anxiety making me a shell of who I knew myself to be. This laid the foundation for me to identify with feelings that were not of God, but of a lack mindset. 

It took many years to get to a healthy space in my introversion to where I did not allow it to affect me becoming the person I want to be or do the things I wanted to do. In my years of doing the work and subsequently getting to a healthier mental space, I noticed a few things about introversion. One being; Introversion Doesn’t Work When You’re Pretty.

When people think you are pretty they think you should be extroverted because they are used to attractive people being given the space to express themselves. They don’t account for self-perception, years of trauma, or anything in between. 

Once, I was able to look past the clouds of anxiety, I noticed that the people I encountered were uncomfortable with my silence. People get uncomfortable when they don’t know exactly what you're thinking at the moment, or about them. Their brains fill in the gaps for what you didn’t say and they begin to accept their own feelings as truth. Because they are uncomfortable with unfamiliarity, they cling to their familiar feelings of negative self-worth in the places where they are unsure of your feelings. This leads to projection, even more so when you’re someone trying to do something with your life. 

For so long, I dealt with feelings of rejection that it was how I thought everyone saw me. Because I felt unworthy, I thought others felt the same way about me. I had no idea that despite my own perception of myself, people could see the light in me shining through. That in the midst of me harboring over my inequities, others were seeing my potential that I had yet to realize. What I saw as a Mistake, they recognized as The Master at Work. Many felt intimidated and others wanted to keep me familiar with the misconceptions I felt about myself because they knew that if I knew who I was, I probably wouldn’t be around them. 

Jealousy is most popularly defined as “feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages.” However there is another definition that many don’t recognize where jealousy is defined as, “fiercely protective or vigilant of one’s rights or possessions.” See, sometimes we are not just dealing with people being envious of our circumstances, we are dealing with people feeling that you are coming to take what is theirs. Unhealthy jealousy says that not only do you have what I want, but you are trying to take what belongs to me. Dealing with people who embody both definitions of jealousy is a different beast because most times they don’t even understand their feelings towards you or why they don’t like you. Jealousy is natural, it is innate, but because we view it so negatively we don’t know how to properly process those feelings of jealousy, so we just try to brush them off. We try to not acknowledge those feelings thinking they will go away, but they only get worse and then you begin to filter your thought-process through the lens of jealousy without even realizing it. 

This is why you shouldn’t take it personally when your friends don’t know how to clap for you. When you are spiritually mature you understand that there is no lack in the kingdom of God. You understand that all that you want is already yours. You understand that everything you desire, desires you. You understand that there is more than enough to go around and someone winning doesn’t take away from your future victory. With spiritual maturity comes the understanding that what’s meant for you will not go to someone else, but that is a process that takes time. Most people are not truly at that place, even though they may think they are, and your success, drive and pure essence will unknowingly intimidate them. What will inspire and light a fire in the mature, will have the opposite effect for the underdeveloped. 

Also, people who don’t believe they are somebody or have a negative self image don’t understand how you can see beyond your flaws and love yourself. They don’t understand how you can believe you are fearfully and wonderfully made and deserve all the good this world has to offer, because they don’t. Friends with low self esteem will try to keep you where you are, or where you were. They will always try to remind you of a version of yourself that you no longer identify with. They will hold onto the old you in hopes that you won’t outgrow them. They will attach themselves to your mistakes with the desire that you will forget the provision of grace that was already accounted for in every one of those decisions. Doing the work to be emotionally healthy and spiritually sound is not easy and people would much rather discourage you from growing than decide to grow with you. Be in connection with people who are willing to make the hard choice if it means a better life, those are the ones you can grow with. 

TH

Thanks for reading! Do you relate to some of my feelings with introvertedness? Did you enjoy this, should I do more posts like it? Let me know in the comments. Want advice or to share something anonymously? Head over to Full Disclosure and leave your thoughts there!