Confusion in the Call
Hey y’all! So, I actually have nothing to talk about. I have no real inclination to talk about one thing, so I am just going to start writing and see where it goes. I might have to abandon the schedule when it comes to posting because I feel like it stifles my creativity. But, I have always had a problem with discipline, so I just have to find a way to make my creativity work with discipline, because I am going to need both with where God is trying to take me.
Lately, there has been a lot going on in life. Before I came to school I was dreading it because I just knew it was going to be a lot, I just didn’t anticipate what type of “a lot” it was going to be. Even when I talk to my friends and sister we all have had a lot going on, mentally. One thing I have noticed is that oftentimes I am never going through things alone, it’s always someone in my life that is near where I am at. I am grateful God always shows me I am not alone in the things I deal with and being able to converse with trusted people typically settles my spirit. I love that this life wasn’t made to be experienced alone, we need community and I am grateful to have that in the very few people that I do. It often helps me to be grateful too because once we get together and have complained until we had nothing else to say you realize that it really wasn’t that serious. People pray for the types of things I go through; it’s a privilege to struggle in student leadership, it’s a privilege to have a hard time paying for stuff in your own apartment with your own bathroom and it is a privilege to be given burdens just for you to bear because as we know there is no burden without a blessing (and vice versa).
To be honest a lot of it is really just “transition pains”. Getting back into a rhythm with school, balancing work and responsibilities is all just a process and by the end of September I should be feeling less of the pains of transition. Also, a lot of what we go through is stuff we signed up for. Obviously God led me to do many things, but at the end of the day picking up a lot of these responsibilities was a choice I made on my own. A lot of people try to blame God for the things that we choose for ourselves. My dad has been teaching me a lot of taking accountability for the life that I am creating; the life that my conditions are holding me accountable to. God is in charge, but we are in leadership. God empowers us to choose, He is not going to choose for us. You have to know that the choice is yours for the life you want to live, so you can start aligning yourself with better choices. I chose to be the Vice President of an organization, now if I want the blessings that come with serving in that capacity I have to be comfortable carrying the load that it requires. I chose to go to Morgan State and major in Marketing and if I want the blessings connected to this four year assignment then I have to steward this time well. Being called by God to do something does not exempt you from having to do the work that comes with that calling. There is no get out of jail free card. There are no shortcuts to the Kingdom. It takes dedication, it takes discipline, it takes perseverance, it takes integrity, it takes grace, it takes love, it takes faithfulness, it takes wisdom, it takes pain, it takes joy. Fulfilling your assignment not only requires everything in you, it requires complete transformation. We always talk about being made new in God and try to make it cute, but anyone who really walks with God knows it is not easy. It is not easy going against the grain, it’s not easy doing what people don’t understand, it’s not easy letting go of friends you thought would be there for a lifetime, it’s not easy putting away everything you know to trust what you can’t see. It’s just worth it. And the good news is that everything we need is already on the inside of us. We are already graced for everything we are made to experience for our development. God can’t just give you the title, He has to transform you into the person who can carry the weight of that assignment. I’ve noticed that quite a few successful people always say that they were behaving in their role before they even officially had the title. You already are what God called you to be, you just have to know that and it has to be pushed and pruned out of you. Sometimes the world has to catch up to what God has said about you; what has already been confirmed in the spirit realm has to be made visible in the physical world and many don’t like the uncomfortability of being in that transition. Many don’t like that feeling of inner-knowing that is unexplainable, that nobody, but you and God can see. It’s hard to explain to people what God has spoken to you when your current conditions don’t align with that Word. That’s why you should just stop trying to explain yourself to people. They won’t get it, they can’t get it. God gave it to you. During my bible study yesterday, I read a verse that said “How useless to spread a net where every bird can see it!” Your vision would be useless if everyone could understand it and see it. Be okay with the world, family, friends, professors, peers, directors, hiring managers; EVERYONE not yet being able to see all that you are because when it is time for God to call you out of the shadows it will be undeniable. And most importantly you will be equipped to handle all that comes with no longer lurking in the background. Very few can handle all that comes with being called and would fold at the first sign of pressure.
Lately, I have just been trying to make sure that the things God called me to previously, He is still calling me to it. Some stuff is for that season and if you try to prolong that season you might hinder your growth. I was talking to my homegirl today and just telling her about everything I’ve been dealing with mentally with juggling school, academics, work and all my other responsibilities. And I was telling her that sometimes you are supposed to plant seeds and leave them alone, so they can grow and other times you are supposed to plant seeds and continue to water them and make sure they are being taken care of well. I am not sure what maintenance the seeds I have planted need right now. I don’t know if I am meant to take my hands off of it and focus on myself or continue to work, even when I don’t see the return yet. But, when you don’t know something the best thing you can do is be still until you have clear instructions. So now I am just asking God to make it clear. One thing I do know though is that God honors obedience. Another thing I know is that the things I have a vested interest in, so does God. The things that I care so deeply about, that I want to see succeed with every fiber of my being, God feels the same way. So, I am comforted by the fact that God won’t allow anything He is connected to to fail, and I am one of those things. Every circumstance has no choice, but to bow at His Name. So, I am choosing to focus on that instead of every thing that could go wrong and that has gone wrong.
At the end of the day, I just want to please God man. I am not interested in status, or accolades or anything else that people care about. I want Him to be pleased with my life and my decisions, so I really don’t want to put any time into things He doesn’t want me to focus on. I have always had a hard time letting go of stuff that I want to “save” and God has been dealing with me about holding everything so close to my heart because when certain things don’t work out I am left feeling empty and depleted. See this is the part of “guarding your heart” no one talks about! Having to protect yourself from yourself! Having to protect yourself from getting too invested into certain stuff that it begins to live in your heart and affects the energy from which you flow from. It’s a process just like everything else and I’d rather learn this lesson now than keep repeating the same cycles. But that doesn’t make things easier to go through.
But also, sometimes you have to touch grass. I am not saying my feelings aren’t valid, but in the context of the bigger picture these things don’t deserve this much negative energy and pessimism I am attaching to it. Real life is happening around me. Somebody out there would pray for the types of struggles I have. I’m complaining about school and somebody had to drop out this semester because they couldn’t pay for it. I’m complaining about work when somebody has been filling out hundreds of applications a month to get a job. I’m complaining about being a leader and the responsibility that comes with the assignment when somebody out here wishes they had the confidence and vision to lead others. So, this time around I am going to keep the feelings of gratitude at the forefront. I am going to live in a perpetual state of gratefulness. I am going to feel angry, sad, depressed and everything else because I am human (and suffer from severe PMS), but I am not going to allow those feelings to take residence in my mind or heart. Gratitude is my posture and it will be for the rest of my life. The only way to get more is to appreciate what you have now.
UPDATE: I wrote this two days ago and I just have to tell y’all GOD DID IT AGAIN. He pulled me out AGAIN. He shifted the circumstances AGAIN. He answered my prayers AGAIN. I’m reading back over what I wrote these past two days from a place of victory and I can’t help, but be grateful that in the midst of everything I was experiencing I could still look to the hills from which comes my help. He is good, He is faithful and He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. I watch Him make the impossible possible every single day for me and He’s doing the same for all of us and for that I am thankful. God qualifies The Called every time.
