Growing Pains

I feel like every-time I log on nowadays I always say it’s been a lot going on lately. That’s really the nature of being a senior in college, but that’s also the nature of who I am called to be. To whom much is given, much is required and I have been having to live this out at a new level this year. To be frank, I am exhausted mentally and my physical health is beginning to be a reflection of that. I constantly wake up tired, I am not motivated to do anything, I dread every responsibility I signed up for and I can feel myself slipping back into what’s familiar, but no longer serves me. I understand God is stretching me to prepare me for my next, but man am I exhausted. I am tired of doors seemingly being shut in my face, I am tired of being the strong friend, I am tired of keeping myself together and just pushing forward and rolling with the punches. It is hard. I can do it, but it doesn’t feel good at all. I have been working so hard to not stay in a space of sadness and defeat because every problem in my life already has a solution created for it, I just have to get to it, but I think I focus too hard on trying to get out the space that I don’t acknowledge that I am really in it. It just seems like nothing is working out, but in my soul I feel that better is coming. It’s like my mind is conflicting with my heart. I have an inner-knowing that everything is working together for my good, but I can’t escape the reality of my conditions. It feels like I am in a battle with myself or with my mind. 

So much good has been happening for me, God has opened so many doors, I see His goodness everyday, but so much is also going wrong. It feels like so much on my plate and while I know those closest to me want to support me, it feels like I have to do it alone. I almost feel like no one will get it, and I know that’s a tool the enemy uses to keep us stuck. My dad was just talking this morning about how God can’t move in your isolation and we need community. I understand this, but when life starts happening my instinct is always to withdraw and isolate. A part of me is very protective of my walk with God and I don’t want to confide in some people because their faith isn’t at a certain level and they won’t be able to speak to where I am at, but you never know who God is going to use to get something to you, so I need to start being more open-minded with listening to people. Another part of it is believing that the people I love won’t be able to pour into me or give me what I need, so I don’t even try. Another part is knowing that my family will try to just pull me out of this space. My family is always going to try to get me to the solution and to a higher level of trusting God. They’re going to listen to me and acknowledge that my feelings are valid, but they’re going to push me to not stay in that space of living in the reality of my conditions. I also know that they're going to hold me accountable and remind me that the life I live is a result of my choices (The good thing about that is that that means I also have the power to change those circumstances.) But, I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I don’t want to hear that. I don’t really know how to explain it because yes I obviously want to be uplifted, but sometimes I just want to be listened to and just know that I am not alone in these feelings and that’s it.

I feel like I am constantly running from who I used to be, it feels like my old ways of living and thinking are chasing me and I am just getting tired (feeling very much ‘weary in well-doing’). I have been working on growing so much in taking responsibility for my life that I try not to complain, I just try to keep pushing. I also don’t want to be so “in” my conditions that I miss the ways God is already showing me His provision. But, I think in doing that I went a little too far on the other end and won’t even acknowledge fully where I am at currently. It is okay to look to the Hills from which cometh your help, but you have to acknowledge that you need help first. And then, once all the feelings come crashing down at once I am forced to just sit down and the immature part of me, that I am still growing out of, makes me want to sit and wallow in my despair. 

It is not a race though. And, I do know that, but it’s a Word I have to constantly meditate on until it reveals itself in my actions. I want to please God and some days I am so sure of the call on my life and on rare occasions like these I feel like the call almost comes with too much or maybe I am not called to what I thought I was. 

But, when I get like this because I can’t help, but be a human sometimes I am reminded of one of my favorite scriptures, probably my very favorite. Romans 5:3-5, “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” 

I think sometimes we get stuck in always hearing the same thing and the same Words from God that we kind of immediately dismiss it when people bring them back up to us in times of trouble. For example, I’ll be telling a friend something that we all “know” like “everything is working out for your good” and they’ll immediately be like “I know, but xyz”. But I think in those times where we can’t see God’s Word being lived out in our lives and our reality isn’t matching up to God’s truth is when we need to be reminded of it the most. And I think that our immediate dismissal of what we “know” means that we really don’t know it as well as we think we do. We can’t be just hearers of the Word, we have to be doers as well and a major component of that that many of us miss (including myself) is speaking to your spirit in that dark place. God doesn’t just want you to apply the Word when things make sense. You need to apply the Word in those times where nothing makes sense, that's where the breakthrough is. That’s where He is seeing if you’re ready or not. That’s where He is checking your faith and so many of us fail that test and ask God why we keep going through the same things, but it’s because we don’t really have the faith necessary for Him to see us through. When you are new in faith, God meets you where you’re at, but once you begin to really grow in your walk with The Father, He requires you to come up to where He is. That means it’s gonna require a new level of faith and a whole new set of trials and tribulations that you will have to deal with. And every thing that comes up in your life God has already worked it out and we have to really exercise our faith and trust that until that truth shows up in our life. 

I’m going to keep going. I am going to run on and see what the end is going to be. I know that God has called me to more and He has to equip me to handle the more that’s coming, so I am going to keep a posture of gratitude. I am grateful that these problems I have already have been accounted for in the spirit realm. I am grateful that we do not have a high priest that does not feel the feeling of our infirmities, as my dad said this morning. He’s with me, my problems are His problems and He is going to handle it. Nothing is happening beyond my ability to walk through it. I am grateful to serve a God who looks at me as worthy enough to handle these problems and responsibilities. I am grateful that God knows that I can handle all that He is putting on my plate. And most importantly, I am grateful to have a God that wants more for me. Yes, the more comes with a lot, but it would be worse to live a life that God can’t get the glory out of. I am grateful for this level of thinking and maturation that I am already at where I can really seek God and Know His Face at this level. Many people never get to know God’s love for them this deeply, I am grateful that I am one of the ones. Whatever I need I already have and whatever else I will need, will show up.

Also, give grace to others, so it’s easier to receive it when you need it. I went to call my mom to cry to her about everything I am stressed about and she didn’t pick up. Immediately, I got angry, because what else could you be doing besides being my mom lol. But, I had to check myself because I remember a time when she needed me and I didn’t answer and it wasn’t personal and she didn’t even get upset, she gave me grace. And this time she just didn’t answer because she didn’t need to, God didn’t need her to pour into me in that moment. He spoke to me very clearly and said “just talk to me, it’s just me and you” and I got exactly what I needed. And He also led me to write it down, so now I finally have a new blog post (after I’ve been procrastinating on writing for literal weeks). It may not be how you want it, but it’s always exactly what you need. Also, God doesn’t live in anger, so He can’t do anything with you when you’re mad all the time. We all will fall short or disappoint someone, so always give grace and don’t take things personally, so you can free yourself, get the lesson out of whatever you’re going through and so when it’s your turn to mess up, you can live in that understanding of grace that you will need. 

I love y’all. I’m grateful for all who read this far. I’m grateful for all who can relate to this and know they’re not alone. I am grateful that we can have this community. And I am grateful for all that God wants do through this platform.

Thanks for reading! Leave me a comment or two if you felt this. Feel free to leave a submission in my advice column “Full Disclosure,” you never know I might be going through the same thing and need to hear it just as much as you. 

TH