Purpose in the Process

Hey Everyone,

Long time no see. Feels like forever since we last connected. For the longest time I have been wanting to update, but have been feeling uninspired. My dad was talking about how God moves through inspiration on The Morning Word and it makes perfect sense because my entire blog is shaped around inspired action. I thought that me waiting to hear from God regarding blog updates was kind of just me being lazy and lacking discipline because my updates are more sporadic than I would like them to be. But, it could also be me needing to not put God’s direction on a schedule. I don’t know my final consensus on that thought yet, if you can tell I mention something about it every time I update, so clearly it’s weighing heavy on my spirit lol. I’ll leave it alone for now until those thoughts start to take on a form that feels settled. 

Until then, heyyy y’all lol. 

I haven’t been having too much to say lately because I’ve been overwhelmed with the flow of life. But, once I go to write I am always reminded that there is a purpose for my pain and that everything I go (or grow) through is used intentionally for my journey. 

When I first started my blog I had no idea that it would turn into what it has become. Initially, it was just a way to get to know me beyond my legacy and to break out of the stereotypes I have lived in for so long. But, my blog has quickly transitioned into a safe haven for myself and others to be vulnerable about our walks with God and the growing pains of life whether it’s entering adulthood or navigating any form of transition. My blog has also given me a new sense of purpose. Everytime I post a new blog it feels like I am doing exactly what God wants me to do; like the space that I’m in makes complete sense and I feel like I am unlocking something deep within myself that I never knew was there. Being able to inspire and encourage others is just the icing on the cake. 

I have to be real though. Ever since I have unlocked this level of purpose in my life, it feels like everything else around me has been shaken up. I think this is a natural part of truly allowing God to lead your life and your decisions, but I would be lying if I said I was prepared for it. The things that I once felt called to, I no longer feel that same pull and as I realize that I am living in the middle of so many answered prayers, I can’t help, but wonder why I prayed for them at all. I trust that God has me where I am at for a reason and that there is something for me in the middle of my service to others and His people, but a piece of me feels like maybe I chose the wrong things? Oftentimes we pray so hard for something and God gives it to us and we get into the thick of everything that the assignment requires and we want to pull out. It makes me question if I tried so hard to impose my will onto God that He is just giving me what I want, even though it wasn’t necessarily what He wanted for me. God is in charge, but we are in leadership. He doesn’t make the decisions for us, He empowers us to choose and in knowing this I question if the decisions I make are the right ones for me, the ones that God would want. Yes, God will use what we want to get us to where He needs us, but I don’t want to waste my time so focused on what I want, that I constantly miss where He needs me to be. God uses everything for my good, but I am currently in a space where I don’t want to be in unnecessary trials. It honestly could be that the trials are necessary though and that I just can’t quite see it yet and that all things will make sense in due time. It almost feels like the more I trust God, the more unsure I get. I guess this is a part of leaning not to your own understanding. It could be the old things being passed away and my mind and heart having to adjust to being tuned to God’s frequency versus my own. One thing I have noticed, though, is that the more unsure I feel, the more my flesh wants to lean on those around me. There is a scripture, Proverbs 12:15, that says “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise”. I’ve been using this scripture to justify me seeking advice from everyone around me, but the counsel that He is referring to could very well be His and not the counsel around me. And me confiding in others and getting their opinions is not necessarily counsel either, I realized. I’ve been learning that a Confidant and a Counselor are not the same thing and it is okay to confide in others, but I shouldn’t always take their advice as if it is God speaking through them to me. A counselor is someone that is “trained to give guidance on personal, social or psychological problems.” The keyword in that definition is “trained”. Everyone who knows your life isn’t trained to pour into your life or be used as a voice of reverence and I am working to make sure I can discern the difference. It is so easy to get caught up in conversation that you take on others' thoughts as your own and you miss God’s direction in all of it. My prayers are beginning to shift to me asking God to speak directly to me, and help me to see the ways in which He is speaking, so that I won’t feel the need to lean on others to hear from Him. Above all else, in this season, I am learning to trust God in me, not in my parents, not in my friends, not in my teachers, not in my peers, and not in professionals I admire. Anything concerning my life I am trusting that He will bring it directly to me. 

What’s funny is I was looking up the scripture (Proverbs 12:15) about wisdom to reference for this post today and another one popped up that said, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” When I tell you, it’s right on time, I can’t make this up. I lowkey am tearing up thinking about how intentional God is and how He strategically places things in your path exactly when you need them. This whole time I felt that seeking wisdom meant heeding advice from elders with more life experience than me, but all I need to do to get wisdom is ask God and not only will He give it to me, but He’ll give it generously. It’s like I know these things, but sometimes I have to be reminded that God really is all I need and everything will fall into place as long as I continue to seek Him. 

Another thing I have realized after unlocking this level of purpose is that the more I knew who I was, the less validation I got from everyone else. Obviously, my gift has been affirmed by many, being that it can sometimes be almost undeniable (not in a cocky way at all, but if everyone around you is complimenting someone on something it is kind of hard to avoid it type of way). But, I’ve also noticed that when people feel that you are sure of yourself they are less likely to try to build you up, encourage, compliment or support you. I think it could be that people feel like you don’t need their encouragement, so they hold it in. Or they don’t want to ‘stroke your ego’ if they feel like everyone else is doing it. I have a hard time believing people are jealous of me because I don’t even feel like I have done anything to be jealous of, especially when we all have something special God is doing through us, but that could honestly be a possibility too. Whatever it is, it’s been a struggle for me to feel so much support, but to still almost feel unsupported. Regardless, one thing I know for sure is that people are fickle, and doing what God has called me to do isn’t going to please everyone and it’s also going to cause people to fall away and I am okay with allowing that to happen as it needs to. 

Peace doesn’t come from comfort, it comes from sacrifice. And as I experience so much of the unknown, I still feel an inexplicable amount of peace. I really do have an inner knowing that it will all work out and I lean on that, even when everything else around me says the opposite. The provision is already there, even though the comfort doesn’t always line up with it quite yet. What I feel I am called to doesn’t necessarily align with what everyone else is telling me I should do, but I am choosing to trust it regardless. 

When you ask to be a vessel, you can’t be mad at how He chooses to use you. My focus right now is putting my attention on my intention, which is to ultimately please God. Sacrifice is exchanging something you think is important or significant for something God says is better. So as I have to sacrifice my old life, old ways and old perspectives, I trust that what I am about to gain is better than what I could have ever lost. 

TH

Thanks for reading! I’ll never leave y’all for a month like this again lol. Pray God gives me discipline and creativity, so I can be more consistent. I love y’all though, thanks for rocking with me. I’m excited about where I’m going, where this blog is going, where we are going together, the community we’re building and all the other amazing things God has in store that I have no idea about. Catch up on some old posts, if you feel led and leave me a comment too!